Whoah - it's been a year

A year to the day since I last posted on here (I haven't actually looked to see what that last blog was about just spotted from the dashboard that the last post was 2nd Sept 2010!) Freaky.

This is a bit of an odd blog as I keep it private at the moment as I don't want certain people to see what goes on here, but at the same time if it's so private then I won't get any random readers which might be quite nice. I don't suppose I can block certain people from reading it can I?

Anyway - to the point - I'm fed up! Truly, deeply and profoundly fed up. Now I know part of this is down to the post holiday blues but this year it feels like it's more than that. I did my usual yearly trip to Devon to work at the festival and then hang around for a few days to catch up with friends.  The catching up with friends bit didn't go so well as I only had plans to meet two people and one of them had to cancel last minute. Another couple of friends never got back to me so didn't get to see them. I did however have a lovely unplanned lunch with a friend and her 2.5 month old little boy. Lots of baby cuddles!!

I REALLY didn't want to come back. I didn't want to go back to work, to 6am alarm clocks and 1.5 hr commutes, to office politics, whinging, stupid questions and boredom...

I know a holiday can't be compared to the 'real' world but I have lived and worked in Devon before. Even though it was tipping down on our visit to Exeter I still love the city. Even though it was a bit chilly and breezy in Exmouth I still walked along the sea front and ate ice cream. I thought of the bike I could buy and the rides I could take. The outdoor life I could lead by the sea (or at least visit if I was living in Exeter!)

I think what has made it worse this year is being a year closer to the end of my contract which finishes on 6th Jan 2013.  It's still too far away though for me to really start to do anything serious about it. I can look at the price of flats but who knows what they will be like a year from now. I can look for jobs but the same thing applies. My current employer may find me a new post but if I don't know where that will be how can I look for somewhere to live?  What should I do with where I live now? I part rent/part buy which makes selling more complicated but I don't really know what is involved in the process. Should I get out of here and go into rented and try and save some money? It'll also make moving easier down the line? But I'll lose money due to negative equity, I think, maybe! I visited my old landlord and he asked me mortgage and selling questions that I have no idea of the answers. He has what looks like a lovely little 1 bed flat available for rent NOW. How much do I want to say 'sod it, I'll take it, I'll move back right now!'?  I thought I wanted to see out the Olympics but now I'm not so sure. I even asked Pret a Manger if they were looking to open a branch in Exeter?

It's all so up in the air and I hate that. I want to know hows and whens and solid facts. Maybe I should chill out and go with the flow but that really isn't me.  Not when it comes to the BIG things.  So where do I go from here? What can I do to make me think I'm doing something? Do I just have to ride it out until nearer the time? Should I try and find a new job now and jump ship?

AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Crossroads

I find myself at a crossroads (well more a spagetti junction!). I found out a few weeks back that my current secondment position will end in Feb 2012 or if Devon & Cornwall agree to an extraordinary extension Aug 2012. So where do I go from there?

I have several options and I shall attempt to list them below...

Go back to Devon and stay with D&C Police - D&C would be obliged to offer me a new job (although I don't know what control I would have over the position or the location), I would have to sell my flat.

Go back to Devon get a new job - would have to find a job and sell the flat.

Get made redundant from D&C - have a bit of money to keep me going while looking for a new job, keep flat.

ACPO employ me - stay doing what I'm doing and living where I'm living (doesn't look likely that ACPO will take on any new staff)

Transfer to Kent Police - stay in flat and get a job in Kent, preferably Maidstone (there aren't a lot of jobs on offer with Kent police and a recent newspaper article hinted at 1000 civilian jobs being lost due to the spending cuts)

Stay in Kent get new job - stay in flat and try and find a new job (which are probably in short supply or badly paid due to spending cuts!)

Selling flat is an issue as it is in negative equity so I would have to make up the mortgage (about £2500 I think!)

We have also just had a phone call from D&C and they have said that the maximum secondment length for police staff may actually be less than 5 years - EEEEEEEEKKKKKKK!!!!!

For Michael

I wrote this on 24th Oct 1993 and it just seemed appropriate now...

He sits alone
In his million dollar ranch
As fans around the world
Are caught in his trance

That is Michael Jackson

His music is a masterpiece
His dancing defies gravity
But people are unable to see
His true sensitivity

That of Michael Jackson

The press stick needles
In a voodoo doll
To knock him down
To reach their goal

To hurt Michael Jackson

He is a child
Innocent and free
He wants to help
He just wants to be

Michael Jackson

He is so gentle
And if he could
He'd heal the world
And make all good

The dream of Michael Jackson

People see him as a weirdo
Because they don't understand
The force that drives the genius
The pain behind the man

Who is Michael Jackson

His expression is through his music
That flows right through him
And that expression shows us
That he is the king

Michael Jackson

His dreams are there for all to see
And let us hope one day
He can fulfill his dreams for us
And the whole world will say

Thank you Michael Jackson

Broken Bonds...The Finale

Well, I've done it. Richard went home a week and a half ago. We exchanged a couple of texts whilst he was on his journey home and I had one text from him on the Sunday - since then nothing, zilch, sod all!!!

So last night I sent him a very blunt text... 'You really are an inconsiderate arsehole. Have a nice life.'

So that's the end of that. I'm not going to listen to any more excuses or let him weedle his way back in!!!

Breaking Bonds...PS

I forgot to mention the one thing that sums up Richard - he knows that basically I don't drink. When I got home last night he said 'I wanted to get you something to say thanks, flowers or something, so there is a bottle of wine in the fridge to have with dinner tonight'. That just perfectly summed up his lack of thoughtfulness and not just then but in general!!!

Rant over - sorry

Breaking Bonds...Part 4

Well...I'm sitting on the sofa having just hung the washing up and hoovered the flat. The washing needed doing as due to Richard being here I hadn't done any so it had mounted up from last weekend and the hoovering needed doing as it appears Richard is a mucky beggar!!!! He spilt sugar all over the place and his attempt at clearing it up was just rubbish. I know I am not the cleanest and tidiest of people, and I don't have an issue with dirt (a week in a field at the festival proves that) but he was just - ewwwww... His feet smell REALLY bad. He's a smoker, and although I banished him to the balcony there was still a smell of ciggies about. Due to a train hiccup this morning we had to leave sooner than anticipated which also meant I had the fun job of cleaning out the ash tray when I got home - ewwwww....

He's a nice guy, really he is, and I think that once upon a time there could have been something romantic between us but I think that the last couple of days have definitely made me realise that what I was thinking might have been is somewhat different to the stark reality. We do have some things in common but his sense of humour is somewhere down the sewer never mind in the gutter, which when viewed from the occasional text message is one thing but when it's in your face for a couple of days just isn't my cup of tea at all.

Now I know this sounds like I'm trashing the poor guy, I don't mean to, we had a nice couple of days but I have to be honest, I'm glad he's gone. He was talking about 'the next time he comes to stay', I didn't have the heart to tell him I didn't think there would be a next time.

When he came to visit me in Exeter for a couple of days it was so different and I don't know why. There was a definite spark between us and we snogged each others faces off but this visit I think we had a handful of hugs and that was it!

Something has definitely changed. I don't know if it's just me or both of us but it really isn't like it used to be. Maybe he's hurt me once too often and I'm just not willing to let him do it again. Maybe I've changed in the 2 years since we were last actually face to face. Whatever it was it just isn't anymore.

Sorry Rich!

Breaking Bonds...Part 3

OK - so this is starting to turn into some sort of dodgy soap plot line now. So a week ago I get a picture message from him asking me to guess where he is. It's a picture of the Unicorn sculpture at the theatre where we both worked. He tells me he's in the area to see an army friend in a parade and that its all good memories being back there. Anyway one thing leads to another and we start texting again although I take as many opportunities as I can find to remind him he is sill in the doghouse!

The next thing I know he is asking me if he can come and visit...says he wants to say sorry properly. Before I know it we seem to have arranged for him to come and stay for a few days. Eeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkk!!!!!!!!

He's coming up on Weds from deepest darkest Dorset and I'm going to leave work early and meet him at Waterloo - he's a real country bumpkin and the whole big city thing scares the pants off him!!! He's staying 'til Sat although we'll have to leave at about 9 so its only really a couple of days. I've taken Thurs off but have to go to work Fri as I have a meeting so he'll have to fend for himself. He's threatened to cook so maybe I'll get home Fri and find dinner waiting for me. Or then again maybe we'll want to kill each other by then.

I'm excited but really nervous too - just hope I don't end up feeling poorly for his whole visit.

Anyway, back to work tomorrow after the long weekend so better hit the hay...