Mind & Body

I've just got back from a great evening with the sisters, however I had to cut it short as i wasn't feeling great. I'm now sat in bed feeling really cross with my body for letting me down again. Ever since my second year at Uni me, my body and food have had an unusual relationship. I can still remember the exact details of when it started, I had been invited by my best mate to go on a church trip with the CU to Alton Towers for a day at the park and then a Christian concert in the evening. I'm not religious so was a bit unsure about that side of it but was looking forward to going. The day arrived and I felt awful, really nervous and sick. Another friend of mine was going to and he said he'd drive me part way (I can get travel sick in coaches) and if I was feeling better then I could join the coach at one of the stops. He ended up driving me all the way from Exmouth to Alton Towers (and that's quite a way). I spent the day going from feeling dreadful to perfectly alright and then back again - and basically I feel like I've been like that ever since to some extent.

I have been told that I suffer from IBS and that being nervous can make it worse but its the fact that it sometimes just seems to come from nowhere that gets me down. I do get nervous going into new situations with people I don't know and circumstances I'm unsure of, but lately I've found I'm getting myself in a state going into situations that aren't out of the ordinary with people I do know. Someone at work may suggest we go to the Chinese buffet for lunch and I start getting wound up, what if I start feeling rough? Going out for dinner after work with friends etc etc. It's starting to limit what I do and where I go as I don't like being anywhere that I can't get myself away from if I start feeling rough. I rarely go to my brothers as he lives in the middle of nowhere! There was a suggestion that we went further afield for dinner tonight and there I am saying no as I didn't want to risk being 'stranded' even though it would have meant not seeing a friend who has come back into my life after 16 yrs who lives abroad and it was her last night!

I'm getting crosser and crosser with myself as I write this. Why can't I just go out and have a good night without always having to locate the loo just in case. I am my father. He has ulcerative colitis and we always used to joke that where as a lot of blokes navigate by pubs he does so by public loos. It's so annoying. I keep telling myself it's all in my head and that I should just stop being such a complete wimp and get on with it. There are people so much worse off but right now I feel like it's starting to take over my life and it sucks!!!!!

I've just read this back and I really do sound like some pathetic winging wimp but it's how I feel right now so there you are!